[First published September 27, 2005] One can’t be serous all the time. I love a good laugh and the following are hard to beat. They came from annual “Dark and Stormy Night” competition — actual analogies and metaphors by way of Scripta Word Services (here). Found in high school essays:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances likeunderpants in a dryer without ClingFree.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guywho went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of thoseboxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at highschools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of thoseboxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he wasroom-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes justbefore it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because ofhis wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerlysurcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowlingball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filledwith vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardycomes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you frythem in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across thegrassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having leftCleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences thatresembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who hadalso never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the EastRiver.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, onlyone that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, thisplan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eatingfor a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,but areal duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine orsomething.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender legbehind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.24. It was an American tradition,like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as ifshe were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in anypH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
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